An Unashamedly Biased Review of the Chicago Bears

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by Jay Twizzle III


2018 Q1: Polar Opposites

Because I’m too busy playing Fortnite on the days between the Sundays I get payed to do color commentary on broadcasts for the Chicago Bears, this series will be strictly Bears-related.

The first quarter of the Bears 2018 Season is headlined by two extremes: the outstanding defensive play, and the shockingly awful display of quarterbacking by sophomore Mitchell Trubisky. One is so bad, and the other so good, that its impossible to pick which to cover first. I’ll alternate words. When the my Bears grandfather defense the certainly former warrant owner… this is making my head hurt. I hate being conventional, but the alternative is unreadable, so conventional it is.


I’ll cover the hideousness (Is that a word? I was drawing slant routes in my notebook during English) (ed. note, it is) that is Mitchell Trubisky first, so we can end on a positive note. When my grandfather, the former owner of the Bears, started succumbing to dementia, he and his staff pulled the head-scratcher of the century and let me hit free agency. I felt so disrespected, I signed with the rival Vikings for 1 season with one mission: to destroy the Chicago Bears. During my time with guru owner John Fichera, I learned a great deal of valuable knowledge which I have used to come to a blatantly obvious conclusion: Trubisky has been bad. Really, really bad. So bad, in fact, that the Bears owner, my father, told me during our Labor Day cookout that Bears management has been actively looking to replace him. It’s hard to imagine a team looking to change things up at quarterback while sitting on top of the division at 2-2, but 4 touchdowns against 16 interceptions will do that. To make matters worse, Trubisky’s favorite receiver, star rookie Anthony Miller, is now out 8 weeks with a dislocated ankle. As the injuries continue piling up at an alarming rate, one has to wonder if league management will look into hiring more qualified training staffs, but that’s a story for another day. From what I’ve seen going over the film, Trubisky has followed a clear pattern in every game, win or lose. He comes out the gates on fire. Literally. On the road against the Cardinals, he started 8/11. At home against the Bucs, he completed 5 straight passes on the Bears’ second drive, after a ghastly drop ended the first drive prematurely. Then out of nowhere, the wheels come off the cart. It generally starts with a bad throw on a good read, typically in the red zone. From what I can read of his body language, these missed opportunities for points frustrate him to the point where he overcompensates, trying to make up for the first mistake all on one throw. Then the next thing you know, he’s thrown 4 picks and has the confidence of a senior getting rejected on his promposal… before you ask, no, that did not happen to me. Anyways, the Bears have remained in these games, and in some cases dominated them, for one reason: defense.

bear D

The Bears defense certainly warrants a better record than 2-2. Ranking in at 2nd in points allowed, 5th in total yards, 3-1 would be a certainty if Nagy would just bring Forbaith on to kick the moment the offense got within range. It generally gets there quickly, but once it does, everything goes to hell. I hyped up the linebacking trio of Danny Trevathan, Roquan Smith, and Joel Iyiegbuniwe (from here on known as Buni) and they have certainly risen to the hype as of now. 55 combined tackles and assists, 5 sacks, 2 forced fumbles, and 3 interceptions are impressive numbers, especially when you consider that 2 are rookies. Bear in mind (Did I really just make that pun? I hate myself.) (ed note, ugh) that in the Bears’ Tampa 2 scheme, all 3 linebackers are dropping into coverage almost every down. Budding stars are peppered all over the defensive side of the depth chart. Kyle Fuller has 2 picks, one of which saved a touchdown. Cre’Von LeBlanc has 2 picks after adapting to the new scheme fast enough to steal the job from the recently traded Prince Amukamara. Brice Callahan finally picked off his first ball of the season last week, and payed it off with a house call to get the team back in what was a 14-0 game. Eddie Jackson is tied for the league lead with 5 interceptions, one of which sealed the win in the season opener. Every game but one, a 24-0 pasting of the Cardinals, this defense has been stressed to it’s limits and still kept the team in a position to win. And it is on that note of confidence that the Bears, hopefully, will find away to stay above .500 by the time I break from Fortnite and Hungry Man meals to write my mid-season assessment.

Jay Twizzle III is a writer for the Sim Association Union Tribune.

“The intended receiver is the one who catches the ball, regardless of what color jersey he’s wearing.”

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